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5 Reasons You Should Love Lance Armstrong

January 18, 2013

After this Oprah interview and ridiculous hate bein’ thrown at Lance man’s way by the media in general and specifically sites like AskMen. I feel the need to come to my man’s defense here. Now I’m not the biggest cycling fan, nor am I a huge fan of lying to America on a mass scale. Although, that does seem to be what we crave with shit like reality TV, sports scandals, and every politician ever elected. But there’s a bright side to Lance that nobody’s talking about.

So here’s 5 reasons to love Lance Armstrong:

1. It’s fucking cycling. I mean come on. This isn’t a reason to love him so much as a reason to not give a shit about any of this. How many kid’s dreams have been shattered by finding out Lance Armstrong cheated. Like 7? This is America. Put it into perspective against the steroid scandals or the Black Sox in baseball. This is a fucking joke. Might as well have told me the 2004 gold medalist sailing team was on steroids. It’s fucking obscure and the guys done way more good than bad.

Oh no! I heard the women’s curling team is taking testosterone!!!

2. Livestrong has raised over $470 million for cancer research. $470 MILLION! Was it a stupid fashion poppy culture thing? Yes. Did you know a kid who was a douche for wearing 12 different colors at school? Probably. Do the ends always justify the means? Hell no. But guess what. Motherfucker had cancer, motherfucker got famous, and then he raised half a billion for cancer research. That’s a W in my book.

3. He’s friends with McConaughey. Can’t say enough about McConaughey. Ultimate southern guy. Went to UT. Slays mass amounts of celeb and sorority vag. Movies are golden. I think I said Alright, Alright, Alright for a full semester in college. Frankly McConaughey’s freakin awesome and Lance get’s some awesomeness off of him by default.

Surfer, Dude. Excellent movie. Can’t recommend it highly enough

4. Guy had ball cancer. Fellas, feel your left nut, now your right. One of those nuts is gonna be lopped off so you don’t die a horrible death due to massive organ failure and chronic pain. That shit’s depressing. If I have a hangover and my car doesn’t turnover on the first go I sometimes skip work. Armstrong loses a nut then goes on to train and beat all the European jamokes using the same tactics they use to get ahead. Which brings me to my next point

5. Literally everybody was doing the same shit as Lance and he still whooped ass in the Tour de France 7 times. To find a cyclist who hasn’t at some point been accused of doping in any of those races you have to go about 30 people down from the top. Guess what? Cheating was the culture and if you weren’t cheating, you weren’t trying. Pretty much an even playing field at the top of the class and he was still the best.

Guy’s a fuckin hero in my book.

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