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Zoo People Try to Play Piano to Get Turtles to Bang

February 7, 2013

Houston Chron — Galapagos tortoises at London’s zoo lumbered around impassively as famous French pianist Richard Clayderman serenaded them with music from his latest album, “Romantique.” The music — an attempt Thursday to put the reptiles in the mood to mate — appeared lost on the slow-moving giants. Even a rousing rendition of “Chariots of Fire” did little to lift the tortoise’s spirits. They only seemed to perk up when zookeepers brought them some carrots. Galapagos tortoises are the largest in the world and can live for over 150 years. But the gentle animals have struggled to fend off predators and are now under threat.

What is it with people wanting to get animals to fuck so badly? At a certain point it’s just creepy. I mean they’re already in a cage together, basically these turtles think they’re the last of their species on the planet. And they still don’t want to fuck. Considering how few of these things are endangered, they’re probably related somehow. Basically you’ve got a couple of 75 year old cousins in a cage with a creepy pianist playing weird shit that their dinosaur ears don’t understand. It’s more like a Saw movie than a scene from TMNT VII, Rafael oozes April.

PS. Given enough time alone in a cage, I would literally fuck everything in there. And I wouldn’t need “Chariots of Fire” to set the mood.


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