Lent / “The Contest” Begins Today
So yesterday was Fat Tuesday which means that today is Ash Wednesday or the beginning of Lent. For one, this means we get to see Tony Reali hosting Around the Horn looking like he dove headfirst into Pompeii.
It also means it’s basically another New Year’s for everybody in the Catholic community. Just a time to break one of those terrible habits you have. Teens and tweens all over the country are trying to give up Facebook and their Molly addiction while adults are attempting to shed their abysmal eating and cocaine habits.
All of this shit is borrrrring. There’s only 1 thing that should be given up on Lent. Like in the Emmy award winning Seinfeld episode, “The Contest” and in the not so critically acclaimed movie, “40 Days and 40 Nights,” young men in their late teens and early twenties are attempting to give up jerking off. Which is always entertaining and a frankly brilliant idea.
Firstly, the “40 Days and 40 Nights” method is straight out of the question. It involves 0 sex for all of Lent on top of no spankin it. Makes no sense. Runs right through “Steak and a Blowjob Day”, March 14. Which is the only reason the holiday on the 14th of February is even tolerable. Let’s go over some of the benefits of “The Contest” method of only sex, no solo performances:
- More energy: Not sure about you but snapping one off makes me tired as fuck. With the excess energy I could write more/better blogs, get a hobby, or do a goddamn pushup every once in awhile.
- Increased aggressiveness: Remember that promotion you were too nervous to ask about? Or that douchebag who gets away with throwing bows in your weekly b-ball pickup game? Forget about that when there’s a pint of Oikos yogurt building up in your sack. You’ll be demanding that pay raise and watching the douchebag cry over his black eye before the end of Week 1.
- You’ll get laid more often: This is just a no-brainer. Whether or not you’re in a relationship you’ll become a sex hound if you can’t self-abuse for 40 days. It’s like losing one of the five senses in your crotch. Your genitals basically become Daredevil.
This can lead to some cons:
- Your dick goes blind: Basically you’re gonna make some questionable decisions with the ladies if your dick’s a blind superhero. Them’s the breaks. Can’t have it all. If your dating someone your gonna hit their period at some point so I hope you were smart and picked a girl who enjoys hummers.
- More energy: You won’t be able to sleep a bunch of nights. Normal solution, rubbing one out will knock you out like taking a handful of Ambien but that’s no longer an option.
- Lack of focus: Everything will start to be a turn-on. Facebook, Reddit, being alone in a room for any period of time. It’s all gonna be super distracting which can distract from work, sports,
typingggggggggg…. Where was I? Oh yeah,
Despite a few downsides it’s worth a shot if you’ve never done it before. If you want get a couple buddies involved and put some cash on it to make it more interesting, more power to you. Honor system applies of course. Don’t be that asshole who’s out on night two and doesn’t mention it because we’ll think you have 0 willpower and are gross. Guess what? We’re all fucking gross. If this high Catholic holiday teaches us anything about ourselves, it’s at least that.
PS. If you’re reading this and you’re already out, then even though Mardis Gras is technically over I say “Laissez Les Bon Temps Rouler!”