MediaTakeout for full contract. Relevant bits below:
In case you’re not up on legal jargon, let me quickly summarize:
This chick is pregnant. J.J. denies paternity. BUT. And that’s a big but. If she gets an abortion, he will attempt a relationship with her for 1 year. If it doesn’t pan out (it won’t), he’ll pay her $25,000. It was probably a really fun converstation before the lawyers got involved. Look baby, I need you to sign this contract. I won’t say what it’s about but it rhymes with shmashmortion. I think you should sign this and we should head to the shmashmortion clinic and get a shmashmortion.
That a boy J.J. Lawyer up. Can’t be running around like D-Wade with crazy baby mommas in the street. A 1-off abortion deal is for sure the way to go. I probably would have sprung for Plan B personally. But I guess when you’re making $6.75 million a year, it’s probably easier to put a lawyer on retainer and raw dog chicks without remorse. That’s what a Duke education gets you folks. White boys who can shoot the j, savvy legal counsel, and $25k to blow on Johnny’s first(maybe) mistake. I say maybe, because most people probably don’t think to get their abortion contract notarized the first time around.
Haven’t put anything up in awhile. That’s because I’m interning for BarstoolSports now.
Entries are under the name sobol. If you liked anything here check me out there and follow me on twitter @BarstoolSobol
AJC – Swedish furniture giant Ikea was drawn into Europe’s widening food labeling scandal Monday as authorities said they had detected horse meat in frozen meatballs labeled as beef and pork and sold in 13 countries across the continent. The Czech State Veterinary Administration said that horse meat was found in one-kilogram (2.2 pound) packs of frozen meatballs made in Sweden and shipped to the Czech Republic for sale in Ikea stores there. A total of 760 kilograms (1,675 pounds) of the meatballs were stopped from reaching the shelves.
Ikea spokeswoman Ylva Magnusson said meatballs from the same batch had gone out to Slovakia, Hungary, France, Britain, Portugal, the Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Italy, Greece, Cyprus and Ireland. Magnusson said meatballs from that batch were taken off the shelves in Ikea stores in all those countries. Other shipments of meatballs were not affected, including to the U.S., even though they all come from the same Swedish supplier, Magnusson said.
“Our global recommendation is to not recall or stop selling meatballs,” she said.
Look, if you’re willing to buy a $2 hot dog or some $4 Swedish meatballs, you can’t be surprised if you get a little taste of Secretariat too. If I buy a gas station burrito or eat at any Taco Bell on the planet I’m pretty happy if there’s not glass or human remains in the food. It’s a goddamn MIRACLE if I’m not on a toilet making Old Faithful look like a fucking leaky faucet within an hour of either of those options. So calm down Ikea shoppers. The fact that you like cheap shit means you have to put up with the bit of Flicka that didn’t end up in a glue factory in your shitty meatballs. Your literally buying the cheapest new furniture on the planet. Go out to a fucking Outback Steakhouse after if you want a piece of meat that wasn’t tenderized by a jockey at some point. And maybe DON’T EAT FOOD IN A FURNITURE STORE. Would you go to Office Depot to get some jambalaya? Didn’t think so.
WSJ — The U.S. Department of Justice has decided to join a whistleblower lawsuit against former cyclist Lance Armstrong, according to people briefed on the matter. The lawsuit, filed by Mr. Armstrong’s former teammate Floyd Landis, alleges that Mr. Armstrong and others on his former cycling team defrauded the U.S. government when they took sponsorship dollars from the U.S. Postal Service with the understanding that there would be no use of performance-enhancing drugs on the team. Under the federal False Claims Act, citizens can sue for alleged fraud against the government and receive a reward of as much as a third of any money recovered by the government. The Department of Justice can choose to join any false-claims lawsuit, increasing its chance of success.
Here it comes Lance. Get ready for the butthurt. As scummy as the whole crushing the hearts of millions of fans who admired and revered him thing was, absolutely nothing is scummier than this Floyd Landis cat. Suing on behalf of the government so he can get 1/3 of any money that’s recovered? Basically the biggest scumbag move on the planet. Even worse since he got caught doing the same shit. Probably not a good sign that the DOJ is just jumping on board with the lawsuit. Basically the judge’s boss is trying to dip their hand in whatever honeypot comes out of this cycling shakedown. Can’t see any conflict there…
Just goes to show that people can and will sue you for anything. Including being a sneaky asshole who got a ton of publicity for the postal service which was the whole point of the sponsorship. A company that’s basically the corporate equivalent of Terri Schiavo. Oh, and raising millions of dollars for cancer research. Oh, and cheating in a sport where you had to in order to be competitive because everybody was doing it due to the testing committee being some combo of incompetent and corrupt. Yeah he’s a real villain. Screw you Floyd Landis you hypocritical, loyalty lacking, money grubbing douche. Lowest of the low.
106 lbs? Maybe in your bra!
BostonGlobe — Senior Danielle Coughlin knew North Andover entered the final round of the Division 2 state championship just behind Winchester — and needing all five of its finalists to win the team title. The task began in the 106-pound final, and Coughlin came through, defeating Winchester’s Jordan Darby (106lb freshman), 5-3, to become the first girl to win a Massachusetts state wrestling championship. Coughlin had control of her match for much of the three periods. She was determined to put her team on a path to a championship. “We knew going into Danielle’s match that she was the key to us winning. If she didn’t win, we would have still had a chance [to come back] but one of our guys would have needed a pin,” North Andover coach Carl Cincotta said. After Coughlin’s historic victory, the Scarlet Knights reeled off the other four wins it needed and left Marshfield High School as Division 2 state champions.
Look, everybody knows when you wrestle a chick it’s a lose, lose. You win, big deal. all you did was beat a chick. You lose, and you got beaten by a fucking chick. That’s a ridiculous mind fuck style advantage they bring to the table simply because they have a hole rather than a pole. Boston Globe’s blowin this shit up like it’s a huge deal, which it’s not. I get accused of being sexist all the time but at least I don’t blow up unsurprising news stories just because I want to be PC. Lookie lookie, a girl won the 106 lb division of wrestling at a D2 school! She beat a FRESHMAN, emaciated 106 lb kid whose balls still live somewhere near his throat. Color me shocked! Dude just learned how to crack his own whip and he’s still dry firing and Danielle’s been using a straight razor and Barbasol to clean up her ‘stache for 6 years now.
Tell you what the real story is here. The shattered life and tragic road ahead for the pre-pubescent, 106 lb dude she beat. On top of weighing less than Kelly Ripa soaking wet he just lost to a girl in the state championship. Absolute ridicule coming his way for 3 ½ more years. Thanks a ton Boston Globe! Just propping women up for shitty wrestling title’s while you rip away the balls from young men who haven’t even had them drop yet. He’s a 106 lb kid who likes to wear spandex. Sure he didn’t have it tough already. Bravo. So Brave. So edgy.
Now stick her back in Jello where she belongs.
Absolute best picture I could find. Yes that’s a tattoo and a yes that’s rat she’s carrying.
Honestly I love this show. It’s incredibly entertaining. Reminds me of every chick who I’ve ever seen cry over nothing and really gets deep into girly emotional shit that no sane man can possibly comprehend. I actually do respect the writing and attempted depravity they go into. Little girly view of the world, but hey what can you expect. Doesn’t hurt that I have a cousin who lives in Brooklyn which lets me picture him dealing with bitches like this on a daily basis.
My real problem is that the lead writer on the show is a 2/10 (being nice) and she likes to get buck ass naked in every episode. Basically have smokes like Brian Williams’ (host of Rock Center) slamshow of a daughter, Allison, running around while Miss “I don’t have body hangups” keeps popping her top instead.
Gotta give her credit for making it weird for B-Rock though. Had Ally fingerblasting herself in one ep. Making out with some hipster looking blonde in another. A+ stuff. I’m gonna give her the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s gonna get real weird for Allison real fast. Maybe she gets into EDM and starts snorting Molly off DJ’s dicks and wearing tutus to raves happening two blocks down from a Nets game. I don’t know. Just a suggestion for a direction to go.
P.S. I’m in lust with Allison Williams. I’m bored and rude. She’s talented and astoundingly hot. Her dad will hate me. Match made in heaven!
LA Times — “At first when I seen the police, I was like, ‘What the hell is going on?” World Peace said. “I just got finished watching ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ or whatever that movie is. I’m like, ‘I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming. Is there a terrorist in the building? Do y’all need my help?'” After a brief conversation with the police, World Peace put on his Cookie Monster pajamas and accompanied them outside. World Peace was shocked by what he saw. “Like 20 cops’ cars are outside, like 10 more police,” he said. “My brother had his hands behind his back and [there were] helicopters. The whole Wilshire [Blvd.] was shut down. The street shut down. No cars nowhere.”
World Peace said that once the police realized that the suspects were actors, and that their guns were BB guns, the mood lightened.
I love the direct quote here. Writers just refusing to make him seem literate. Just reminds me that all the shit on twitter is exactly how some people actually talk. “When I seen the POlice”. Priceless. Watching “Zero Dark Thirty” and so delusional that he thinks he’s part of the movie. Classic Artest. Wearing Cookie Monster pajamas because Why Not? Your Ron motherfucking Artest. Shooting a shitty movie on Wilshire Bouleveard. Basically a walking, talking, elbow throwing stereotype.
This quote alone is a billion times worse and more embarrassing than anything Gronk ever did. So we can cut the shit about how he’s not getting enough media attention for knowing how to party. Honestly, the most surprising aspect of this is that they didn’t find any real guns. That’s the whole reason cops profile people. Because they’re usually right. Lowrider with spinners? Probably weed in there. 15 people packed in a sedan? Might find an illegal or 15 in there. Egg on LAPD’s face here. Total misfire.
P.S. I refuse to call that asshole Metta World Peace. Biggest fucking hardo on the planet. Just throwing bows and straight up fighting people on the court. One of the dirtiest players in the NBA wants everybody to call him World Peace. Not me. Won’t do it. At least Ochocinco made sense. If I just changed my legal name to Big Dick McGillicuddy that shit wouldn’t fly either, so this asshole’s not getting away with it.
Bitch has a big forehead. Let’s just get that out of the way.
Huff Po — According to a Las Vegas Metropolitan Police report, local authorities were responding to a call when they encountered the woman, Kara Vandereyk, having sex with the pit bull in her backyard “in full view of the neighbors,” KVVU reports. The Las Vegas Review Journal, citing the same police report, said the woman told police she was bipolar and was unable to remember her name. The station writes that “Vandereyk was naked and on the ground when officers arrived.” She was given a blanket to cover herself and brought to the Clark County Jail. She was charged with gross lewdness.
Always amazed at the names of the official charges for shit like this. Gross lewdness? I could be charged with that rubbing one out on my way to the bank! Doesn’t really do justice to fucking a dog in your backyard. I expect BEASTIALITY or RED ROVER, RED ROVER, SEND YOUR RED ROCKET OVER on this chick’s public record. Of course, she lives in Vegas so she’s probably the least freak of the weak person on the block. Probably sword swallowers doing a donkey show three houses down.
The real question is how into the bang sesh was this chick? At what point are you fucking the pitbull? I really don’t get it. Like how actively was she banging this dog? Gotta imagine she was either doing the prone bone or doggystyle. If she was just limpfishing it on the ground like most of the girls I’ve fucked, she could easily make the case that she never actively fucked Rover at all.
P.S. I wonder how many chicks have gotten banged by dogs while they were passed out blackout? Like a million? I’m honestly convinced it happens all the time and no one ever tells.
P.P.S. Has anyone ever had a dog named Rover?
So I need to go ahead and chime in on one of the hypotheticals that got thrown out on @KFCradio last night:
From how far away could Gronk, the “biggest man who ever lived” throw Adam Schefter over the field goal post?
First of all, KFC’s a functional retard for not knowing how deep an endzone is. “What, like 6 or 7 yards?” Fucking Jabroni. Secondly, given 0 details, Feitelberg was 1000% right in saying Gronk couldn’t do it from any distance. Unless Schefter wants to get basket tossed like a flyer on the competition cheerleading squad, it’s incredibly difficult to throw a person who doesn’t want to be thrown.
All of that aside, the guy who asked the question said Gronk was the biggest man on the planet… I mean I get exaggeration. I do it all the time when I talk about my dick. But Gronk’s not even the biggest guy on his team. He might be the guy who parties hardest, or the most publicly. But talking sheer mass or height? Oh well, Stoolies bein’ Stoolies.
Source — Police say a 33-year-old upstate New York woman accused of hiring strippers for her son’s 16th birthday party has been arrested on child endangerment charges. South Glens Falls police tell local media outlets Judy Viger of Gansevoort faces five counts of endangering the welfare of a child. They say she hired two women who did lewd dances for five teens under the age of 17 during the party at a bowling alley. The investigation began after people concerned about the November party showed authorities racy photos posted online. One showed a scantily clad, tattooed woman clinging upside down to a seated teen as others looked on.
How did MTV’s Sweet 16 not get all over this party? Granted it’s not a high end affair like they’re used to but it’s definitely worth some air time. It would be way better than every other episode of that show where kids just whine and snivel about how their new Beamer is the wrong color or how daddy promised Drake but they got Miley Cyrus instead. I guarantee this kid was fucking appreciative to have Natasha and Lollipop wrap their legs around his head and rub their tits all over his face at the local Brunswick Lanes.
He’s appreciative because he’s got the cool mom. You know the one. She’s single. About 17 years older than her kid. She’s always buddy buddy with him. Buys him and his friends booze to drink in the basement. Pops in to throw a condom at him and his girlfriend when he’s got her bent over the couch. You know, the cool mom. Absolute travesty that she got arrested over this. Guaranteed everybody involved had a great time. Totally victimless crime.
BuzzedAndBruised 